The right way to praise your child

[excerpt from http://www.greeleytrib.com/article/20070716/READERS/107160102]

The Negative Power of Positive Judgment.

It's normal for parents to think their child is the brightest, most talented and cutest thing on the planet. But praise like, "you're great...terrific...incredible" can be too much for anybody, even small children. Extravagant praise is hard to take. And if you're like most people, you probably get uncomfortable whenever someone evaluates you. When someone tells you how pretty you are, most of us have an inner voice that reminds us of a time when we felt ugly. Children are no different. They often push away praise that evaluates, and sometime will act out in a negative manner. For example, if you tell a child what a great artist she is, she might tell you that her friend is better at drawing. If you tell your son he's a terrific pitcher, he might become embarrassed by your bragging.

Evaluative praise can also make a child come to depend on the approval of others.

Ask yourself, "Does my praise make my child more dependent upon me and my approval? Do my words help her see her strengths and abilities?" And while it's easy to toss out phrases like "Good Job! Wonderful! That's Great!," it's a form of praise that gets children to conform to our wishes. It leads children to measure their worth in terms of what will make us smile and offer the words of praise they want.

Descriptive Praise Works Wonders.

Instead of evaluating your child in praise, try descriptive praise. Start by describing exactly what your child did. "Aidan, you did a great job striking out those two batters." By doing this, your child will probably recognize the truth in your statement and feel comfortable accepting it. Oftentimes, the child will then accept his or her accomplishment, and praise himself. "Wow, I really am pitching better."

It's true that descriptive praise takes more time and thought, but the payoff is very much worth it. It offers unconditional love, rather than love that is conditional upon your approval. Descriptive praise has positive results: